The So-called Reflection?

Dear my valued readers,

I failed my pitch. I did not win the directing nor producing pitch. I am a Production Assistant and I will be working for Willy and Lisa. Willy is the director and Lisa is the producer. The film is "How to Say Hi to Your Crush" based on a script written by Charles and Cynthia.

Thank you for all your support and prayers for me this past month.

Sincerely,

Shadia Pradsmadji.

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LOL. This post is NOT a letter. That was just me, wishing if I were a big person. Then that letter might be valuable. Hahahahaha. I'm just making fun so that this post would not be boring.

But yeah, my failure in the pitch was something. It took my attention.

It took my nerves to write this personal thing. 

Honestly, I am okay with my defeat. I am fine with the fact that I did not win the pitch. Why? Because I knew that I suck at my Producer's Pitch. I was so concentrated on my Director's Pitch because I believe that my spot is to be the director of the script that I was pitching, which is Willy's script. I made my Producer's Pitch just as ordinary as possible since I really want to be the director, not producer. It was a mistake. The panel told me that I should have been prepared for my Producer's Pitch as well. So, I failed. And I become a Production Assistant. But, what makes me not okay with the situation is that... Willy and Charles won the pitch. Willy as a director, Charles as a producer. I am fine with their achievement, but I am not fine with myself. Here is why.

Willy, Charles and I are repeating students. We repeat Directing 1 this year. We repeat with the fact that we got D in this particular course, which should have been C for its lowest pass. But guess what, this year, they won. They won the pitch. They are repeating students, and they won. This means that they are coming back with a better result. They can proof that they are able to direct and produce. 

As for me, I am the ONLY repeating student who did NOT win the pitch.

Last year, I had my failure. I must admit that my film sucks so bad. Like, in all departments. Including myself. I do not even want to put the film in my portfolio list. I was so ashamed that I just want to put that film in my "things-to-be-laughed-so-hard-in-the-next-20-years" list. I really can accept the fact that I have to repeat the class again, although I only lack 2 marks to get the lowest pass. I know I am wrong and I need to learn more.

But this year, I failed again. Not as big as last year, which is failing the whole film, but this year I failed my pitch. Something that I really put hope at. If you read my last blog, I was so sure that I can win this battle. But I was wrong. I was way too confident. I did not realize that things can happen not the way I wish, like now. 

Again, I must put note that I am fine with failing the pitch, but I am not fine with myself. 

It made me feel like I am bad. I am starting to question my capability. Am I really that bad? What makes me not winning the pitch? Why, from 3 directors that got chosen, am I placed the fourth? Why am I failing again?

Seriously. Why did I fail again? Am I that dumb that I do not learn from my mistakes so that I fail again? Willy and Charles got theirs. I did not. I know this is so freaking selfish, but I want to know why the panel did not choose me, just for the sake of reflection, so that I can repair and fix myself in the future.

Because I am enough with failing. 

People say that we must be optimist in facing this life, because there are unexpected things that can happen at any times. I am not being a pessimist, but I am questioning the truth. I still keep my optimism in this film and myself because I am going to direct this film for Directing 1. I will change the schedule so that it fits the whole Focus batch's schedule. 

Yeah, at least I still keep the fire in myself and in this film for Directing 1. I believe that THIS TIME, I will NOT fail again. 

Again, I am done failing. It is enough. It is time to learn. 

Mr. Tito said that we will reach our perfectionism in our fourth year. This is still a long process to go. I agree with that, but I do not agree with the fact that I am not learning something from my previous failure. Is this considered as that?

In Mr. Robin's class, he once asked all of us about "what is your biggest fear". Now I have a new big fear. My biggest fear is that I am a failure. 

I do not want to be an epic fail.