Not to be Mistaken as Cocky Though...

On the third semester, Binus International Film School second year students will get the 'Introduction to Documentary' class. Taught by Ms. Swastika Nohara who is an experienced documentary filmmaker, we learn how to make a documentary film. We watch a lot of documentary films, we got a session with an experienced documentary film DOP named Yahdi Jamhur and learn about documentary camera techniques (since it is documentary, moment is what we capture, therefore our equipment shall not troublesome us, but at the same time give the best we need), we learn about recording sound in documentary film, we went to ChopShots Internantional Documentary Film Festival (I volumteered there as well) to watch and meet documentary filmmakers, we propose what documentary film that each of us want to make and in the end we make our own short documentary films. The time limit is from 5 to 12 minutes.

My documentary film is the longest among all students in class, approximately 12 minutes. It was about 5 teenagers and young adults from 15-20 years old talking about faith and religion. That particular idea came after a long discussion with Ms. Tika and Mr. Tito our head of school. It was not easy to get that, at first I was thinking of something much bigger than that, like interviewing the head of FPI to ask about tolerance among religions in Indonesia in his mind. Mr. Tito gave suggestion that I better start with something smaller and reachable within my circumstances, so then the idea of interviewing fellow friends who have their own opinions about god, religion, faith and spirituality then popped up.

Honestly, I never thought that I would explain clearly about this project to my mother who is a very devoted Christian (and I appreciate that). The idea of screening this film right in front of my mother's eyes never came up to me. I just did this project kind of 'silently' because I never told my parents about the progress. What they saw was just me editing this film a whole day long, sometimes even more, without really knowing what the result is. I thought that my mom may contradict with this film's message and that was my motivation in not telling my family what I was doing.

Then, all of a sudden, on one beautiful Sunday morning, when I just woke up from sleep (and not even moving my body from the bed yet), my mom came into my room and said: "I like your documentary film". Something I have NEVER expected. 

I never screened my film to my mom, I bet it was my father who screened it to her since I copied the film from my hard disk to the laptop. I did that because I need to show the film to my new music composer (I have a song for the film already, but since I could not find the permit to use this song in commercial circumstances, so I contacted my ex Store Manager to compose a song for this documentary film). Then my father watched the film and showed it to my mom.

I never want to compliment myself because I kmow that this film has a lot of weaknesses as well (especially from its technical side), but to hear my mom who has a different way in seeing religion with me saying that she likes my film really boosts my spirit. It made my day. 

Just like Mr. Robin who gave me the spirit to carry on directing films, my mother, in her own way, gave me the spirit that although I once failed, I can move on and believe that I can be better. Film can be a medium for us to share what we cannot share directly. I know that film is where I belong and I always want to be a better person every time, making more and more better-quality films.

Thanks to my mom and dad. I hope that my next films can be a part of their lives, taken from a part of me saying how grateful I am to be their child. Hopefully, someday my films can make them proud too.

The So-called Reflection?

Dear my valued readers,

I failed my pitch. I did not win the directing nor producing pitch. I am a Production Assistant and I will be working for Willy and Lisa. Willy is the director and Lisa is the producer. The film is "How to Say Hi to Your Crush" based on a script written by Charles and Cynthia.

Thank you for all your support and prayers for me this past month.

Sincerely,

Shadia Pradsmadji.

--

LOL. This post is NOT a letter. That was just me, wishing if I were a big person. Then that letter might be valuable. Hahahahaha. I'm just making fun so that this post would not be boring.

But yeah, my failure in the pitch was something. It took my attention.

It took my nerves to write this personal thing. 

Honestly, I am okay with my defeat. I am fine with the fact that I did not win the pitch. Why? Because I knew that I suck at my Producer's Pitch. I was so concentrated on my Director's Pitch because I believe that my spot is to be the director of the script that I was pitching, which is Willy's script. I made my Producer's Pitch just as ordinary as possible since I really want to be the director, not producer. It was a mistake. The panel told me that I should have been prepared for my Producer's Pitch as well. So, I failed. And I become a Production Assistant. But, what makes me not okay with the situation is that... Willy and Charles won the pitch. Willy as a director, Charles as a producer. I am fine with their achievement, but I am not fine with myself. Here is why.

Willy, Charles and I are repeating students. We repeat Directing 1 this year. We repeat with the fact that we got D in this particular course, which should have been C for its lowest pass. But guess what, this year, they won. They won the pitch. They are repeating students, and they won. This means that they are coming back with a better result. They can proof that they are able to direct and produce. 

As for me, I am the ONLY repeating student who did NOT win the pitch.

Last year, I had my failure. I must admit that my film sucks so bad. Like, in all departments. Including myself. I do not even want to put the film in my portfolio list. I was so ashamed that I just want to put that film in my "things-to-be-laughed-so-hard-in-the-next-20-years" list. I really can accept the fact that I have to repeat the class again, although I only lack 2 marks to get the lowest pass. I know I am wrong and I need to learn more.

But this year, I failed again. Not as big as last year, which is failing the whole film, but this year I failed my pitch. Something that I really put hope at. If you read my last blog, I was so sure that I can win this battle. But I was wrong. I was way too confident. I did not realize that things can happen not the way I wish, like now. 

Again, I must put note that I am fine with failing the pitch, but I am not fine with myself. 

It made me feel like I am bad. I am starting to question my capability. Am I really that bad? What makes me not winning the pitch? Why, from 3 directors that got chosen, am I placed the fourth? Why am I failing again?

Seriously. Why did I fail again? Am I that dumb that I do not learn from my mistakes so that I fail again? Willy and Charles got theirs. I did not. I know this is so freaking selfish, but I want to know why the panel did not choose me, just for the sake of reflection, so that I can repair and fix myself in the future.

Because I am enough with failing. 

People say that we must be optimist in facing this life, because there are unexpected things that can happen at any times. I am not being a pessimist, but I am questioning the truth. I still keep my optimism in this film and myself because I am going to direct this film for Directing 1. I will change the schedule so that it fits the whole Focus batch's schedule. 

Yeah, at least I still keep the fire in myself and in this film for Directing 1. I believe that THIS TIME, I will NOT fail again. 

Again, I am done failing. It is enough. It is time to learn. 

Mr. Tito said that we will reach our perfectionism in our fourth year. This is still a long process to go. I agree with that, but I do not agree with the fact that I am not learning something from my previous failure. Is this considered as that?

In Mr. Robin's class, he once asked all of us about "what is your biggest fear". Now I have a new big fear. My biggest fear is that I am a failure. 

I do not want to be an epic fail. 

My Day, Their Night: Passion!

I am writing this while waiting for my director's pitch turn, near room 303, both of Directing 1 and Directing 2's room.

Honestly, I am nervous, but also excited and anxious at the same time. It's like all feelings are mixed into one. Gado-gado, the delicious Indonesian salad, has bumbu kacang, vegetables, sometimes chilli and rice or lontong in it. That is how I feel like now; like the gado-gado.

But I believe that I can conquer this. I can win this. This is my day and I will make it happen. I believe that God will give me the strength to carry on, I believe that my efforts will not go into waste. Even so, I will still make this film. Winning this or not, I will make this film. But of course I want to win. This is my chance to win. I hope I can get the chance.

I immediately fall in love with Willy's script. I want to direct this. At first I was not confident, but after attending Mr. Robin's class and consulting with Ms. Mouly (that will be you, miss :D) I am sure that I can do this. I have a connection with the story. I am sure I can bring the story to people out there. I will give my best. I can give my best. I am not perfect, but I believe that this will be a start of something better for me.  

After this, I will go to Casa Kemang, a restaurant just above Aksara Kemang. Tonight will be the night of my Store Manager, Assistant Store Manager and Gift Officer. They will be leaving Aksara Kemang at the same time. As told before, my Store Manager will be heading to Dublin to do a music scoring for a film. He has not told me the title. But I am sure that he'll do good. Assistant Store Manager will be doing her thesis and Gift Officer will be moving to Kalimantan to start a new life there. I am sure we will all go on our own tracks and that will be good.

I am sad to be left by my new friends, to be honest. I love my friends. They have become like a new family for me. They supported me when I was sick, threw jokes at me so I can laugh, talk a lot about a lot of things. We work, we sell books and gifts, but we also build a new relationship. I know that our meeting is not long, it is just a month, but this one month has become a very beautiful month for me. February, the month of happiness. Having my documentary screened at the final cut, starting to work, meeting new friends, having the first classes for all subjects in this semester. I am grateful to have a great time. I hope they will have theirs as well. 

This is my day and their night. We will have hellos and goodbyes, good luck and carry on. A hello to my new experience, a goodbye to my beloved friends, a good luck for us and carry on!

PASSION! That is what makes us choose what we want to do! That is why I am here, waiting for my pitch. That is why my Store Manager decided to move to Dublin. Passion is what keeps us going. :)

Going Back to Normal

This week was a very dynamic yet shocking for me.

My disease has disappeared and I have been healed.

I have returned to college after a week of not coming to classes. I have also started working again after not coming for a lot of shifts within almost 2 weeks. Honestly, I love going back to my routine. Wake up in the morning, get a cup of coffee, take a shower with warm water and then going to college or work. But, since I just got healed and still try to return my body's condition into being fit and normal and "used to the routine again", this week, I skipped the coffee part.

When I returned to college, I then realized that pitching for Directing 2 will be exactly one week after my return. I must rush all my preparation. I still have not found some things for my pitching, but I believe I can manage it until Friday comes. Also, since I missed a week, I missed a lot of information. I am glad that all my friends are helpful and willing to share the information I missed this week.

I am very grateful to have the chance to start my college week again (after a while) with Directing 2 class. The topic was all about ourselves. I was really glad to know that there are many things out there that can be discussed or seen from many different perspectives, also to know that we as human beings are never the same. My perspective of seeing something might be different from others and that is totally okay. That shows how we see the world. Mr. Robin closed the class with a quote that really gave me spirit: "it is okay to be imperfect; that's what makes it perfect. No one is perfect and you are not alone."

Also, when I returned to work this week, I am very grateful to get the chance to meet my Store Manager and Assistant Store Manager. Actually, since they are going to resign by March 15, they have stopped coming to the store in the weekends, but perhaps some things made them coming this Saturday. I got to talk with them after a while since I was sick and I was really happy because I got to hear their stories again. My Store Manager told me about his preparation in moving to Dublin, while my Assistant Store Manager brought us pizzas. I love all my friends in Kemang. They can always make me laugh and entertained even in my bad times (like when I was sick).

I am nervous for the next week's pitching, but at the same time I am also spirited. I want to go back to my routine as fast as I can. Classes are what makes me "alive", without going to college my life felt dull. I am spirited to start this week. I believe that I can go through this week nicely and without major obstacles. I believe I can get back to my routine again and become better.

PS: I am writing this in a bit of headache. Tonight I had beef ribs and pizza for dinner and I guess those are salty (although very delicious), so I got thirsty and headache at the same time.

Thanks to Technology

This week was a mixture of fun but not fun week. I got hospitalized due to a certain viral infection (which was at first suspected as chikungunya but turned out that the disease was actually measles and not chikungunya) and I was infused and injected with needle many times. Honestly, I do not mind being infused or injected. I can deal with those, but what I could not deal was the fact that my disease actually got worse after I was hospitalized.


So I was hospitalized on Wednesday, February 27 and went home on Friday, March 1. But today, Sunday, March 3, in the morning, my hands and arms were full of rashes, so my parents decided to take me to the hospital again. I was mad. Seriously, like crazy. I have had enough of my blood being taken by the injections. I do not want anymore blood test, but what else could I do? The hospital insisted to have my blood for the blood test, so I snapped... I got mad at the nurse who insisted to take my blood because I told him that I have no more spot to be injected by the needle. My right hand is swelling, my left arm is full of injection wounds. No more place! But he still insisted, saying that he must give it a try. He was wrong. He did not get the blood from me, I was mad because he insisted to still inject me and in the end... the doctor sent me to the laboratory so my blood could be taken through another way.

Anyhow, going to the hospital today (no, actually with the fact that my body is full of rashes and that I am sick again) has ruined my mood and my plan. I have planned of going to Aksara Kemang today. I have been working there as a customer service for a month now and today will be the day for my Store Manager and Assistant Store Manager to give us last briefing. They both will be resigning starting March 15. The Store Manager will be moving to Dublin to do his job as a music composer for a film and the Assistant Store Manager will start preparing her thesis, majoring in anthropology.


Honestly, I have been waiting for today since Friday. I tried to sleep more, eat at the right timing and drink all the medicine given so that today I have enough strength to go to Aksara Kemang. I was so optimistic that I would make it today, but these rashes have ruined my plan so I could not go to Kemang. Moreover, measles is contagious. I would not want any of my friends there got infected because of me, especially my Store Manager who is currently preparing a big deal in his life. I was so sad knowing that I could not make it today, so I asked one of my friends there to connect me through Skype, so I can still listen to the briefing although I could not be there. It actually worked, I succeeded in listening to 2 and a half hours of the briefing, but after that my friend's internet got disconnected because of the heavy rain in Kemang. But that would be better than nothing. At least I have listened to 2 and a half hours out of many hours they spent for the briefing. I have got the main points and important information given from my Store Manager and his Assistant for the continuity of the store. My Store Manager has mentioned some candidates that will be replacing him and his Assistant and gave us instructions on how to deal with new people. And most importantly, I was so happy I could see all my friends' faces and listen to their voices after almost one week being absent due to this illness.


Disease can actually ruin anything, but thanks to technology that can facilitate people from all places and time zones around the world, now I can cut half of my sadness. I am so grateful. Thanks Skype! :)