yes, i just feel like i have to update this blog for some random reason in which i could not explain.
i haven't been sleeping for almost 48 hours (minus two 20-minute naps, actually) for a combination of reasons and have been sleeping very late for the past week or two. it has started to torture me though -- all the heavy sleepiness, wooziness, physical exhaustion and even this feeling of uncertainty that has been coming to me for the past 2 days.
i remember last year, during the early even semester, i was hospitalised for the disease that i could not even identify until now. at the moment, i was sick, in fact i was very sick. i have got this kind of reddish spots all over my body and those were itchy. i remember it was combined with stomachache and painful joints, somewhat. i was off from campus for 2 weeks -- my pitching preparation had to be done during my bed rest time.
but before the disappointments came, i remember during me being very sick, i was full of spirit. i was full of spirit for directing (and i just left my producing preparation part, what an effing mistake). i was full of spirit for the class directing 1 in which i had to repeat (and i was satisfied with the overall class, honestly). i was full of spirit for working in aksara (remember i used to work in that gift and bookstore for 2 months). i was even full of spirit for the class film and society (the class that turned out to be one of the very few classes in which i got almost nothing, but let's not discuss this).
i was just full of spirit. i was even beyond my own control that i made myself clear i didn't want to be sick for too long.
and now, here i am, on my 6th semester, with a major film project in my hands and some other works along the way.
and i need that spirit i used to have during the early semester 4.
i don't know what's behind the reason of my currently missing, disappearing spirit, like seriously. i was trying to relieve myself during the (missing, disappearing) holidays and prepare for the next big thing that will come this semester. i was also full of spirit last semester (semester 5, odd semester with no major film production assignment) and i could feel like my passion is running inside my blood. even honestly, i enjoyed semester 5 so much that it was also one of the best semesters that i have gone through during film school years.
i have been telling my director that he needs to keep encouraging me simply just because i need it. i need encouragement. i need some sort of power that can make me keep going on. i need it like crazy. i just need it and need it and need it that i kept repeating the same thing for my own sake.
i feel guilty to my director who also said that he also feels the same way like i do, but with more reasonable and acceptable reasons that if you were him, you would probably experience the same thing. it's too long to be written, but i know that he has that right to feel the way he feels now.
but me? a brat like me? what reason could be acceptable enough for the disappearance of my spirit besides the fact that filmmaking might not be my expertise? after all, life is not always about just doing the things that you like or excel the most, right?
luckily, i have not been losing my passion for this project. producing is indeed a new thing for me. i can't say that i am fully ready for this. but i can say that i am stepping myself into it -- a good thing for a start, shouldn't it be?
(and yes, my true passion is film criticism, actually, just as what i have written in my media business and entrepreneurship assignment, in which i do not stop doing too.)
all i only need is to regain my spirit to continue going on with all the other things and also with this project. that is my goal: i need to pass this semester with full spirit.
with readiness and alacrity.
and with full love for what i am doing right now.
yes please, dearest spirit. come back to me and run through my blood like it's the early semester 4 or even last semester.
